The Woman: My Love Letter to Irene Adler

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I was accidentally involved in one of those discussions this morning, where Holmes fans were ranting about Irene Adler, claiming she’s only mentioned in one story and overused in adaptations. Pity the poor fan who had dared to say she liked Irene and wanted to read more about her. To each their own, I say, and if people dislike The Woman, that’s their prerogative. But it got me thinking about exactly why I like her and why she’s half-protagonist of my three novels.

First off, because I’m pedantic that way, Irene is actually mentioned in “A Scandal in Bohemia,” “The Blue Carbuncle,” “A Case of Identity,” and “His Last Bow.” Those alone give her as many stories as Mycroft Holmes, but there’s a fairly obvious (though continuity-problematic) slanted reference to her in “The Five Orange Pips” as well.

Also, I will make so bold as to say that if Irene is overused, it’s at least partly Doyle’s fault (gasp) for making her one of precious few women Holmes pays even the slightest bit of attention to and perhaps the only one he has much of any sort of emotional reaction toward (emotion in the general sense, not necessarily romantic). Now, that isn’t to say I appreciate all characterizations of Irene, but I personally find it hard to argue that someone specifically characterized as The Woman is unimportant, relatively rare though her canonical appearances may be.

That said, why do I, personally, like Irene Adler?

The voice of Irene that speaks in my novels came to me, as it were, from the aether. Recent research shows that the reason authors sometimes feel this way is that we’re able to partially mute the judgy parts of our brains and amplify the creative parts when we write, so that it seems, to our conscious minds, like words are being dictated to us from some great beyond, even though we’re actually making them up. Be that as it may, and horrific run-on sentences aside, Irene was just there one day, as I sat down to participate in National Novel Writing Month 2011.

In retrospect, I think she was a bit of a reaction against the stereotypical femme fatale role she often gets cast into in pastiches and adaptations. I had, at the time, just re-read the Holmes canon, and all the mentions of her were fresh in my mind. The person who spoke to me from the pages of Doyle was not an over-the-top villainess or an oversexed vixen. She was clever; she was cunning; and she wanted to live her life on her own terms. I loved her for it.

Maybe she reminded me of myself, a little bit. I’m no Mary Morstan from The Sign of Four, fantastic woman though she is. I’m not nearly that dutiful or beautiful, or, well, good. I’m also no Violet Hunter from “The Copper Beeches,” one of my favorite canon stories. She’s brave and plucky, but, well, she doesn’t seem to be having all that much fun, and I want to enjoy myself. I’m no gun-toting Milverton assassin, either. That’s a bit extreme, when all I really want is to don a disguise and go tease someone on their own doorstep… I think I’d have made a very bad Victorian, and Irene Adler is a very, very bad VIctorian indeed.

Irene Adler is flawed; there’s no getting around it, and it makes me appreciate her even more. Later in the canon, when Holmes is (rather unsuccessfully, if you ask me) narrating his own adventure “The Lion’s Mane,” he gives a somewhat (again, in my curmudgeonly opinion) twaddle-filled ode to a woman named Maud Bellamy that he calls a “complete woman” (whatever that means). Irene Adler is not a complete woman. She has broken places within her and a problematic past behind her. She’s no image of Victorian perfection, but she’s real. Not a perfect woman, but The Woman.

The reason I, in my books, foresee a future friendship and sometimes-partnership for Sherlock Holmes and Irene Adler is that he’s no perfect, complete man, either. He can be selfish, cold, calculating, histrionic, insensitive, and difficult. He can also be tender, kind, thoughtful, loyal, and sacrificial. In other words, he, too, is real. That’s why I once wrote a chapter of fanfiction that ended with the line, “To Irene Adler, he is always The Man.” Two sides of a coin, with different personalities and goals, but equally flawed and equally brilliant in their own ways. That’s why, though Irene may only make her mark once in Holmes’s canon life, that mark is so indelible that I can’t resist following the ink stain of her vivid characterization through the canon and beyond, into my own universe.

Perhaps it’s Jack Kerouac who best expressed, in his classic work On the Road, what it is about Irene Adler that I can’t stop exploring:

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing but burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes ‘Awww!'”

Irene Adler is neither commonplace nor normal. In boy’s clothes or a wedding dress, she is madder than the maddest characters in all of literature. She does not walk in and out of the life of Sherlock Holmes, she burns, and when she’s gone, the landscape of his world is never the same–to the very last of his stories. She’s the roman candle whose explosion lights the night sky of my imaginary universe.

She’s The Woman. And that’s why I love her.


 

How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

Canon Thursday: The Klinger Decision, Myths, and Comic Books

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Several months ago, the much-publicized case of Les Klinger versus the Sir Arthur Conan Doyle Estate finally went before a lower court judge. For anyone who doesn’t know, the Estate had, for years, been extorting and attempting to extort money from authors and other producers of Sherlockian media, based on a totally fictitious idea that Holmes was still in copyright, even though many of the stories were already firmly in the public domain and free for use.

(Lest this seem like a small problem, I have personal friends and acquaintances who were harassed, either personally or through their publishers, and there are myriads more, many of whom paid up just to avoid a legal fight.)

The Estate lost in court, but, as usual, did not know when to say uncle and appealed, all the way up to the US Supreme Court, who didn’t even deign to give a reason for refusing to hear such a ridiculous case that had already been firmly decided according to the rule of law. This past week, the 7th Circuit Court of Appeals put the icing on the cake by ordering the Estate to pay a large chunk of Klinger’s legal fees, while calling Klinger a public servant and the Estate frivolous.

What I want to discuss is the philosophical component of the Doyle Estate’s argument, the idea that all the stories should stay under copyright because Sherlock Holmes, as a character, is incomplete without every single one of them. Now, this argument predictably didn’t hold up in a court of law, and I suspect the Estate’s legal team didn’t think it would. I sense major straw-grasping when the house of cards started tumbling down. Everything worked fine when they were scaring people into paying money they didn’t owe. When Klinger, who knew the law well enough to know he could fight, stood up and challenged them, they were like a schoolyard bully left without his mojo.

Nevertheless, for the sake of argument, let’s evaluate the actual defense as if there’s someone, somewhere, who truly believes in it, the idea that Sherlock Holmes is somehow incomplete as a character without every last story Doyle wrote about him. (Even if this were true, it’s hardly a copyright argument, since copyright law is not based on character completeness, but bear with me.)

I have a somewhat unusual origin story when it comes to my affinity for Sherlock Holmes. I read the stories as a child and enjoyed them, but it was the pastiches of Laurie R. King that really hooked me. She was the signpost that pointed me back to the originals, but what truly intrigued me was the idea that there could always be more. Holmes’s world, I learned, would never be static is long as lovers of the character chose to write about him in new and interesting ways. It was that huge, expansive world that drew me in.

Since the beginning of the current Sherlockian wave, my story has become less and less unusual. Lots of fans, these days, are coming at Holmes through doorways marked “Sherlock” or “Elementary” or “Watson & Holmes,” a racebent comic that puts the characters in an urban American setting. Some are even coming through a door marked “fanfiction,” their literal first experience being one gifted to them by another enthusiast choosing to share their passion with the world.

This week, after seeing the film Guardians of the Galaxy, I did a little bit of research on protagonist Peter Quill. What I discovered is that, like most comic book heroes, Quill has more than one origin story, and the filmmakers picked the one they liked best. Superman, Batman, Spider-Man, the main X-Men characters–they’re all this way. At different times and places and cultural moments, a writer chooses to reinvent them in a way that he or she feels is relevant.

The thing is, Peter Quill wasn’t any less complete as a character when his stepfather tried to kill him (original story), and he’s no more of a character now that he was raised by a single mother (current story). Loki is no less Loki when he’s a woman, a kid, or the iteration we now know from the Avengers films.

The point is, modern heroes are our own equivalent to oral tradition, like the stories sung by poets like Homer, that changed and expanded and contracted based on ancient contexts. In an ironic way, the ever-changing nature and impermanence of the Internet facilitates similar changes and expansions. The current craze has swept Sherlock Holmes into this kind of existence.

Fanfiction writers, show producers, and comic illustrators take Sherlock Holmes as the basis for their myths, and they expand him, change him, and sometimes even contract him. I do this in my books, less aggressively than some, but my stories would have nowhere to go if I refused to expand the character or his world. Laurie R. King showed me that this was possible. Her Holmes is (intentionally and self-awarely) just off the original, like a dialect derived from a language. But he’s a complete character in his own right. As is my interpretation. And as is the Holmes in the fan fiction some high school student somewhere is writing in her bedroom as I type this. When you love a character, change and expansion are not disrespect. They’re homage. But they also don’t add or take away from the character as he originally appeared, either.

Some might throw up their hands and wail at the idea that Holmes is in any sense like a comic book hero, but it’s an honor for him to be lifted into the pantheon of characters so passionately loved that fans cannot resist continuing to write new things about them, new stories that reflect new places and times. But no new iteration takes anything away from the old ones.

Perhaps the biggest reason the Estate’s philosophy fails to resonate with me is a personal one. You see, I may not be a guardian of any galaxies or the wielder of the Tesseract, but I’m a character in the story called life, and my time hasn’t ended yet. I’m not the same person I was yesterday, and I’m not the same person I’ll be tomorrow. And yet, I’m a 100% complete person today, just like Sherlock Holmes is in A Study in Scarlet, The Case-Book of Sherlock Holmes, and every story in between.

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How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

Writers Who Read Interview

I’ve been interviewed by the lovely GG Andrews for the Writers Who Read Blog series. Check out the full interview here, featuring Sherlock Holmes, Irene Adler, and the Baker Street Babes.

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How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

Top 5 Watson Actors

1) Martin Freeman

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2) Martin Freeman

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3) Martin Freeman

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4) Martin Freeman

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5) Martin Freeman

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I think that about covers it. (Honorable mention to Jude Law.)

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How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

Top 5 Holmes Actors

The other day at my knitting group, someone asked me who my favorite Sherlock Holmes actor is. After about half an hour of trying to answer, I had given her about a dozen different responses. I don’t really think I could get it down to one, but here are my top five, in no particular order. (Note: Jeremy Brett does not show up on this list. While I fully acknowledge his expertise and legacy, he’s not a personal favorite, which is what this is about.)

1) Basil Rathbone

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He’s got the look. He’s got the feel. Even when he’s in a totally AU time period, he’s Sherlock Holmes through and through. Basil Rathbone is, without a doubt, my favorite Holmes of the early years.

2) Barrie Ingham

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The voice of Basil of Baker Street, Ingham fully embodied the world’s only consulting detective mouse, and he did it with an incredible amount of panache, making The Great Mouse Detective not only a fantastic children’s film, but also a worthy part of the Holmesian film canon.

3) Peter Cushing

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I don’t hear the illustrious Peter Cushing mentioned in connection with Holmes as often as with his other work, but he deserves to be. His portrayal is cerebral, complex, and compelling, a treat to watch from a time when Holmes adaptations were in transition from the propaganda films of the Rathbone era to the deconstructionism of the 60s and 70s.

4) Robert Downey Jr

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At this past 221b Con, I was much encouraged, at one point, to find myself in a room full of people who all appreciate Mr. Downey’s take on Sherlock Holmes. RDJ Holmes appreciation can sometimes be a lonely island in the Sherlockian world. And yet, in my opinion, the man who reminded us that Holmes is funny, physically adept, and extremely psychologically complex deserves a place in the pantheon of Holmesian greats.

5) Benedict Cumberbatch

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It almost goes without saying at this point in time. “That guy from ‘Amazing Grace'” who made me want to check out that new Sherlock Holmes show (though I doubted a modern adaptation could work) has become a household name in Britain and the United States. Other Holmeses will no doubt come and go, but it’s hard to imagine a future in which we look back without seeing the tall, spare figure of Mr. Cumberbatch looming over them all.


 

How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

Project #221BeeWell: The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes Review

Maybe I expected too much, or maybe it’s that when something is described on imdb as “slightly parodic,” it’s a warning one should heed. After all, how can something be a parody and not a parody at the same time? Therein lies my chief problem with Private Life. It’s not that it’s a film devoid of great moments, nor is it lacking in very funny ones. The problem is the mixture, or lack thereof, of these elements.

Lest I seem callously unaware of the historical context of the film, rest assured that I do know why it was groundbreaking. Going away from the Rathbone propaganda thrillers, it dared to frame Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson as real-life humans. The very fact that we now consider such down-to-earth characterizations normal is a testimony to how influential the film was and is. And yet, just because something is important doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Parodies work if they go all the way and skewer their subject on every front. Dramas work because they take themselves seriously. There can certainly be successful humor in dramas, but too much pointing and laughing back at itself can tank a drama faster than a fake Loch Ness Monster. It’s as if Private Life wanted to have its cake and eat it too–to be as witty and wink wink as a Pink Panther-esque parody of Sherlock Holmes, but to simultaneously tug on the heartstrings and engage the mind. At some point, too much was too much, and I lost the ability to respect Holmes at all, which would be fine if we were supposed to stop caring about him.

Excellent moments and witty one-liners notwithstanding, this film isn’t going on my favorites list. I appreciate the door it opened for future artists to reimagine the possibilities inherent in the Holmesian world, but from now on, I’ll appreciate from afar.

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How to get my newest book:

(Book 3) The Detective The Woman and The Silent Hive is available from all good bookstores including   Amazon USAAmazon UKWaterstones UK, and for free shipping worldwide from Book Depository. In ebook format it is in Amazon Kindle.

How to get the previous two books in the series:

(Book 1) The Detective and the Woman: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

(Book 2) The Detective, The Woman and The Winking Tree: A Novel of Sherlock Holmes is available from all good bookstores and e-bookstores worldwide including in the USA Amazon,Barnes and Noble and Classic Specialities – and in all electronic formats including Amazon Kindle , iTunes(iPad/iPhone) and Kobo.

 

 

Project #221BeeWell : Asylum Holmes Liveblog

Now, Children, begins the magic union of narcotics and possibly the single greatest piece of Sherlockian media of all time, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes by The Asylum.

I had major surgery last week. I bet it hurt less than watching this will.

….

1940. There is music and effects. Dr. Watson is still so awesome or stupid that he stays at the window to watch bombs. Miss Hudson is his minder. What a subtle sledgehammer of a nod to the canon.

I’m thinking this part is probably better than the flashback coming up.

Dude says this is Holmes’s greatest accomplishment. I think he means “greatest accomplishment on a set costing less than ten quid.”

Ohmyword, I see someone’s train station model that they dug out of their basement.

Surely the meds are making me hallucinate the horror of this soundtrack.

There is a man smoking and looking at water. The lower sailors look dressed like Edwardian schoolboys.

If you shake the camera, it really adds something. Namely, it adds confusion so the viewer can’t see how bad the shots are.

Gareth David-Lloyd, baby, why? They couldn’t possibly have paid you more than a perfectly legitimate Pepcid commercial.

Holmes has already said “Elementary.” So far, the “subtlety” is the most impressive thing about this.

Holmes is very, very short and speaks like someone doing a camp impression of a camp impression.

You’d think a doctor’s salary would spring for clothes that at least sort of fit. But no. The Asylum is too pure for such things.

Mr. Styles’s idea of acting is to stare with a wide-open mouth.

Lestrade looks like bloated Kenneth Branagh.

I think this would be a lot better if it was about Lord Byron impersonating Sherlock Holmes, which is what it looks like to me.

Actual sound editing would have been grand.

Mycroftian reference. Also, apparently The Asylum only pays for your face to have expression when you’re actually speaking.

Did they actually pay Gareth to act more terribly than ever? This man is a good actor! What happened?

I don’t even understand what “take” this is on Holmes other than Sherlock Keats. He’s so soft and emo and pointless.

Surely short pants were all the rage for the grown men of this period.

There is a dummy in some water. Watson, plastic puppets can’t talk. You should know this.

Watson yells like a girl.

There are ropes, and this scene is boring and endless, and Holmes is unbelievably lame.

This East End set looks like they redressed the vestibule of the studio, and this blond boy looks like a lost member of One Direction.

The lesson here is that if you solicit prostitutes, you will be eaten by dinosaurs. This film is more pro-social than I expected.

London, that vast metropolis that consists of one street and Big Ben.

Holmes has the hair of an infant boy whose mother is too sentimental to take him to the barber.

Also, I’m sure black bow ties at breakfast was standard in 221b.

Watson is the skeptic. Ok…

They have exactly four extras.

Ohmyword, there’s a man hopping around screeching. And no one cares.

Watson, your waistcoat is positively pre-Revolutionary French.

Holmes and Watson run and run some more. There is much staring about a wooded area. How can this be so actiony and so boring at the same time?

Oh look, our chase results in…

DINOSAURS

There was this place we went when I was a child that had large animatronic plastic dinosaurs. I think this film borrowed them.

Now Watson walks around and looks at a heritage site for ages.

If this was a Doctor Who episode, it would be a lot less terrible.

Dinos are stealing water pumps! This is right up there with Milverton, let me tell ya.

Ohmyword, this girl looks like a goth wedding cake threw up on her.

I could do better hairstyles than this.

Surely this actress is American. Her accent is so horrendous.

Sherlock Keats skips in, after writing “Ode on a Plastic Dino.”

Holmes is such a little twerp.

Watson’s little gut pooching out under his waistcoat is its own character.

My church’s Easter Production sets look much like this.

I cannot believe I’m only halfway. Send help.

Watson has a gun. I’m not sure he knows how to use it.

Oh look, another dinosaur. I think that’s #4, but I sort of lost track.

Sherlock Keats hates the hospital. Good thing Watson is magic.

This child Newsie is wearing an outfit currently available at my local Hot Topic.

Gothic cake girl’s costume isn’t even fastened in back. We’re reaching new levels of not giving a care.

Ok, I’m ready to punch Holmes for his affected way of talking.

Artfully dirty dude.

Suddenly Holmes is a crusader for social justice suddenly. Or something.

Someone wrote this script and got paid for it. I had to take a moment to remind myself.

There’s a guy and some gears. Maybe he’s coordinating a steampunk event.

Dinosaur #infinity

That right there is the fakest fake blood I’ve ever seen.

The edits are so incomprehensible as to be incomprehensible. Yep.

More running, this time in The Country. I thought the new Russian series had a weak soundtrack. This is making that sound like John Williams.

“Show, don’t tell” is just a silly rule. The Asylum does not follow silly rules. Obviously. Since they just have Sherlock Keats tell us everything.

And now we see that they managed to get permission to film in a castle. But only if they used no lights?

I have read that it takes like two weeks to film these things. I’d have said two hours.

Poison gas. Because no one’s ever done that in a Holmes story before.

The real villain of this piece has to be Watson’s tailor.

Oh look, another dinosaur. It’s like in Nicholas Nickleby, when Mr. Crummles tells Nicholas that he’s bought a tub and some pumps, so Nicholas has to write them into a play as much as possible.

There is a robot made of what looks like gold-painted paper. I did not imagine this could get worse. Silly me.

The robot is Mycroft. *cries*
Hey, what??? Mycroft called Sherlock “Robert.” WHY?

Did they even call them corticosteroids and immunosuppressants at this point?

Mycroft: I control the movements of this synthetic arm…with my mind!

I’m going to use this from now on. “I eat this cup of applesauce…with my mind!”

Mycroft is styled like it’s 1983, just incidentally.

Why is Holmes named Robert? *cries more*

If someone would just punch Mycroft, this would all be over. If someone would just punch me, I would be happier.

Um…so he’s calling him Sherlock now?

Holmes is seriously so fail. Like, Watson could just do it all himself really.

Goth cake girl is evil. I’m *so* shocked.

Well, this Mycroft is certainly not asexual. But he kisses terribly.

Oh, it’s a “gyroscopic device,” is it?

So basically, the dinosaurs were virtually pointless to this overall story. Given the sheer excellence of the rest of this production, I’m sorely disappointed.

Holmes has decided to be useful. For once.

Oh, the feels. I feel for the strain on Watson’s waistcoat.

A bird died just now. Ok.

And a dude is playing an accordion.

Here we are! Here! It’s the moment of Holmes-in-dirigible!

Flying fighter dirigibles. Doyle really missed an opportunity here.

Oh hey! They’ve dressed up the whole crew to make it look like London has at least six inhabitants!

These digital effects, they are special.

Wow, eyebrows.

There’s a flying metal dragon atop Buckingham Palace. This truly is the greatest adaptation ever.

Gothic cake girl appears to be a robot. That explains the horrendous acting.

Gothic cake girl has been deactivated!

Mycroft has crashed and exploded but is somehow still alive. And is shot by Holmes. Which would be a moment of great pathos if anyone could act.

Sherlock Keats stands contemplatively, considering his “Ode on a Fighter Dirigible.”

Holmes and Watson never spoke of this again? Because it was so lame?

Ok, so the whole explanation is that his name was Robert Sherlock Holmes? Ok.

Old Watson died from telling that. It literally bored him to death.

Ok…gothic cake girl rides again.

Well, I made it. There you go, the greatest adaptation starring tiny waistcoats and romantic poets posing as detectives.